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Hello beautiful people,
This week past I wrote about the agitation and frustration I was feeling which rose and fell over the days before the eclipse. This week has been all about humility. Humility I see as the energy that allows you to slowly raise your hand and say everything I thought was right and absolute, I see it differently now. Humility is the energy of now I see the bigger picture.
That bloody eclipse energy sidelined me, before and after. I know everyone was talking about the fear or doom that this eclipse was to bring, it was all over socials, it was spoken about, I was feeling really discombobulated and I know others were too. I know some were sooo over all the drama - yes I am talking to you Sergio!!
That agitation and frustration I felt came in waves right up until the eclipse, and then as soon as it was I here, I woke during the night, sat up, and was put back to sleep. The same for the new moon a couple of hours later, I woke, sat up, and was put back to sleep.
Once it passed, I woke smiling, I woke peaceful, I woke feeling back to my old self, my new self? I am not sure, but I simply felt more like me. Thank gawd, for I did not like or enjoy that feeling of agitation. It was triggering for me thinking that I had fallen back into old patterns or feelings. But it came to teach me something new.
I’d received the message back in February that this upcoming new moon in April would be all about me. Oh sweet baby Jesus I thought at the time, as before that with each passing new or full moon it had been messages about the collective, community, higher selves, spiritual guides, how to expand consciousness, how to bring more love to the world. All about everyone else, I was very comfortable with it being about everyone else.
Of course ego was like hell yeah, big upgrades, new gifts!! About time it’s about me!! While I was shrinking away and finding a place to hide as I felt attention and focus had turned to me. Who was I to think anything was about me?
The eclipse energy, the new moon energy, being all about me brought up the depths of my child within, how she was needing stillness and silence to emerge from.
I had written about the frustration and agitation that rose and how I stepped through it and after the eclipse the whole ‘all about me’ thing sent me sideways.
‘Your defences are no longer required’
Whatttt no, no, no - I was shown how my agitation and my frustration were simply the sword I carried and brandished to hide and protect myself. What was I protecting? - the softest parts of me that were afraid to be hurt again, that were afraid not to be loved, that were afraid of not being loveable. Even now it makes me feel real uncomfortable to write it out.
‘This is the truth if you are willing to see it’
In the past, I have hurt others from my hurt, I recognised within myself the need I had for such defences. We are comfortable behind our defences.
‘This is your shadow and we love you’
‘How do you hide behind or weaponise your shadow?’
‘How can you raise defences against the instigator of your shadow? Can you not be grateful, eyes open to see the greater picture?’
It’s really uncomfortable when you are faced with your own actions.
It got even more uncomfortable when I saw what was actually going on. I saw that the agitation and frustration was a sword I wielded to keep me safe, a defence mechanism. No defences were needed was the message I got, and so I asked deep, deep within me, what I was I defending, protecting? I wanted to hurt from my hurt, I didn’t want to be hurt again, I had fear of being hurt again.
We are so unconsciously comfortable behind our defences. This is the truth if you are willing and able to see it… this was the next message to come through. Here’s where I got real humble, real emotional as I saw all of myself stripped bare. This is your shadow, and we love you.
How do you hide behind or weaponise your shadow? What is your sword of choice? Is it Anger? Sadness? Frustration? Silence?
Whatever is our sword, it is protecting our greatest fears, our greatest pains and woundings. When we take the time to sit with it, and see it, when we are out of the intense feelings and we have dropped the sword we can feel really raw, naked and vulnerable.
What does it feel like to drop our defences? Well, now it feels like freedom, it feels like peace, and it is also a practice. At the time of it happening it felt icky, like a well worn cloak I had my entire life was being stripped away. But it was my choice.
Defences may be completely unconscious so it takes an awareness of what our defences are before we can even begin to let them go. It’s like suddenly realising you have had a stutter your whole life and you are learning how to speak without it, it takes practice, patience, a humility to slow down and say hang on, I am safe, I don’t need to have defences up. They are not about the other person, they are my defences about me, what’s happened in the past, what I fear could happen again.
I felt really small after all of this, like I had been reduced to my child state. ‘Compassion, compassion, compassion’, was all that was spoken.
There is a pause that comes naturally when defences are down. We may see that in the past we have overshared, that we have been aggressive, that we have wanted for attention, that our words have been direct or short. The slowing down of thinking, of speaking what is on our hearts, within the deepest parts, are given room to breathe.
Is this necessary? Is the question that comes up with the pause.
I am so lucky that I have created this newsletter to be able to write it all out, for here you see how I choose to move it. My only intention for ever writing it out is that it could help one other person. But mostly, I write this for me. So thank you x
My inner child has been omnipresent this week, showing me why the attraction piece came through, so much of it was tied to my family dynamic growing up. Why was I searching for this safety and peace within others, because as a child, I did not have this. Huge realisations around the truth of my parents, deeper than any I had experienced before. We will often villainise one parent over the other, for the thought of both being the villain can be too much for our psyche.
If enough time passes, and one parent makes amends by the ways they know how, we can tend to discard the trauma or pain inflicted. I don’t have any desire to throw anyone under the bus or become the victim again when I have not seen myself that way for a long time. I saw that what I have been craving and desiring my whole life was to simply feel safe, to feel seen, to feel loved just for being me.
My defences were in protection of my inner child, the little girl who stood as the protector and yet never felt safe herself. Lowering my defences is for me. It is to welcome others into this energy. My defences were futile anyways, and kept me stuck in the past.
Timing is everything and consciousness has a funny way of presenting. It does not escape me that with the timing of all this coming up, we are at the point of my manuscript free… (that I have been sharing here on substack) the chapter of the inner child, and these layers emerging now, here, are like the deeper parts of what I shared in the manuscript.
When this realisation came up during meditation what did I do? I saw that in the past I would reach out to a friend or ask for help. I would want another opinion. This time I did not need that. I simply held myself and rocked. I rocked myself as I sat there, felt every emotion, breathed, and let it float to the surface and dissolve. I gave myself what I most needed - to just be. I felt free, I felt and saw I had been unconsciously in my relationships wanting this hole within me to be filled.
Knowing why we act a certain way is one thing, changing your reactions, and behaviours is the actual healing process. Information comes in, we process, we integrate this information, we move through it, we embody it. Embodiment is when it changes how you show up, how you speak, how you act, how you think.
So what has changed for me? This absolute stillness has opened for me, non conscious thought is now here for me as a constant. Procrastination has fallen away. These unconscious patterns I see how they were affecting so many different areas of my life. I created this space for me, and now, I have space. I don’t think I have ever felt such peace as this, and I thought I had peace before. Defences are futile when your relationship to self is the strongest relationship you have.
Your relationship with self is and will be the longest relationship you will ever have, so why wouldn’t we spend the most time getting to know, love and heal our beautiful selves?
It’s such a beautiful thing when we see the truth x
i love you, Nicole x
Each newsletter I send is a window into what I am going through, what I am moving through and where I want to take us all. If you have your own personal stories come up, or questions, please reach out and connect x share this post or any with those who you feel could benefit, I want to grow our community so we can all thrive together. Love is the key, love is the answer, always xx
As most of you would have seen, James McMillan and I have been publishing our new podcast the deep… this has also been launched across YouTube so if you are interested in watching us in action you are welcome to click the link here x you are welcome to share, like, subscribe, or comment x
nicole is a writer & teacher of consciousness, meditation, spirituality & metaphysics; a gifted channel, akashic reader and energetic practitioner based in sydney, aus
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