I have in the past struggled with my mental health, on different kinds of levels, treated with antidepressants and different natural remedies. I had postpartum depression after the birth of each of my girls. Terrible thoughts and lashing out, feelings of despair and loss. feelings of sacrifice and overwhelm. I love my girls, I love them as any mother loves her children. It was a darkness that I carried alone.
After Olive was born, I wanted to try something different. I wanted to see if I could do it without drugs. I started walking every morning at sunrise, I made sunrise a part of my life. I had one album I would listen to over and over again on my little ipod. I knew it off by heart and each morning it would motivate me to keep going. I wanted to know even way back then that I was in control of myself.
Stranded in Mexico, I knew I needed to keep going and I had to find a new way. With everything that had happened over the past month, I had to face myself and my demons. There was no distraction anymore. I was completely alone for the first time in my life. All I had was me.
The lives I have lived have been varied and many. Each time, I have run, hid, fled, to try and escape my life. I knew I could not run anymore. I knew I could not avoid this anymore. I cried more than I ever had. I thought about ending it every single day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice?
How could I possibly come back from this?
I spent time over these weeks in the jungle reflecting on my life and what had brought me to this, seen at this moment as my ultimate failure.
How had I chosen this to be my life?
How had I been led to this point and why?
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