our rainbow of emotions - how can we deny the beauty of the moments?
life is a spectrum of colour & movement, forever changing, & here to be experienced...
There is never a moment in this life we are not surrounded by beauty, if we choose to see it this way. Even the most devastating or emotional times of our life can still hold beauty. The process of birth is beautiful, the process of death just as beautiful.
I have floods of visions of friends, family, time spent with loved ones that fade in and out like old sepia toned photos and I realise that sometimes in the moment we don’t see the beauty, sometimes it is only afterwards.
But, when we catch that beauty in the moment, it can bring us to tears, joyous tears that this is living, that this is the purpose of life - to experience and recognise the magic of the moment.
I have had a few of these moments, and the one that first comes to mind is with my grandfather. He and I shared this exquisite childlike bond. I love him so so deeply.
It was Christmas a few years ago. The first Christmas after my ex husband and I had split. My whole family was at my brother’s place up the coast and it was a perfect day, I had travelled up a couple of days beforehand cooking up a storm, my brother and his wife taking photos of all the food for my portfolio.
It was the perfect day, a perfect summers day just north of Sydney, everyone was celebrating, there was a bittersweet feeling as everything had changed from the year before. We had lost our Step-mum, my marriage had ended and yet still, we were finding moments of joy in being together.
It was after lunch where we had eaten too much, drank too much and as the heat of the day was slowly passing, we were finding our spots to lay about for our Christmas nap. My grandfather was lying on the giant daybed on the wraparound deck high above the ground below and overlooking the bushland and lake. He was smiling at me and chuckling as I crawled onto the bed with him like I was still five years old.
as I snuggled in under his arm that wrapped me, my head on his chest, I could feel him smiling and I realised in that moment that I was saying goodbye. I cried tears of joy of the life we had had together, my heart, my soul saying goodbye to him. I knew in that moment that this was the last time I would have him, here. It was like our souls were talking. One of the most beautiful moments, and forever I will be grateful to my brother for capturing it. In some way, my brother saw or knew what magic was happening. I laid there with him and talked to him, and smiled, and laughed and cried I did not want this moment to end. I didn’t know back then how to verbalise what I was experiencing or if anyone there could fathom or understand. this was way before I did what I do now, or even far along my path of spirituality.
later that day, my grandfather fainted. it was a hot day, he had lost his balance and fell in the bathroom. the ambulance was called. my grandmother was beside herself, we were all worried. he was disorientated and not sure of his surroundings. they told him to rest and we were to monitor him.
the strongest, most capable man I had ever known, my hero, was confused and agitated. we didn’t realise at the time that this was only the beginning of his decline into dementia. what we didn’t know that day is that we would loose him slowly over a period of years until his final passing.
I am so thankful for my presence in that moment. If I had not been present, been distracted, been caught up in my own thoughts I would have missed the beauty in the moment. I would not of been able to say goodbye.
that day was the day my heart said goodbye, and in the moment, I knew.
why do we push aside our emotions?
why do we not wish to feel this beauty or experience of life?
why do we fear feeling?
why do we fear being exposed by our feelings?
this is a huge part of our culture or western society, the stiff upper lip, don’t show your emotions, don’t show your ‘weakness’. so many other cultures express their emotion freely while others shut down. why?
what if every emotion, every feeling we experience is a different colour on the spectrum of our beautiful rainbow of life?
how could we deny one or another? a rainbow without all the colours would not be the same, and if these emotions are here, are we not meant to experience them? if we are able to see the beauty in each emotion, the beauty of our pain, the beauty of our sadness, the beauty of our love or fear, expressed fully, safely, and honoured. we see that each given their time release and move through us. denying or suppressing an emotion or feeling denies this beauty.
think of the sad song you listen to, your scary movie you watch, think of revolution or wars waged, battles fought, all of these happen from our emotion. Artists and creatives, writers and poets, musicians, songwriters all have these ways of expressing emotion that we see, feel, hear the pain, the love, the beauty, the grandeur.
I know if I am sad, I am drawn to watch a sad movie, listen to a sad song, think of a sad memory, all to feel safe in expressing my sadness by crying. we want to have something outside of us to allow us to feel ok to feel what we are feeling.
sadness, grief, longing, love, our joy, our happiness, all of these feelings are part of that tapestry of life. if we see each of our emotions that rise for us as part of this beauty, we can see that the human experience is exactly that. to be experienced and expressed fully. it is a part of our process to know and understand our own emotions.
life is for living.
and for everytime I felt that my emotions were too much, that I felt things too deeply, that I expressed my love, I am so fucking grateful. I want the people in my life to know how much I care, how much I love them, how deeply I treasure them. because we never know when that last moment will be. we never know when the last time will be that we hold them, touch them, know them, and I never want them to question my love for them, I want them to know, I want them to feel that love I have for them.
even after his passing, my grandfather is still with me, and that love is still there. the grief came after his passing, came like a tidal wave that I was steadily drowning beneath, and the only visions I had was of him cupping my face and saying I am right here, I am with you. I guided, gently, my grief back to love. how could I miss him if he had never left me? I grieved for not being able to be held again by him, but as I lay to sleep, he was right beside me. I would cry that I would never make a little turkish coffee for him again and as I would drink my coffee, I could hear him slurping his. I would walk out my door thinking of him and hear his keys jangling. even now as I close my eyes, I feel his thick, soft hands stroke and pinch my cheek, his cheeky smile, his crinkly eyes smiling at me.
how can we loose something that is never lost? the love never dies.
so, what if these rainbows of light and colour, what if each of these could be attributed to our feelings and emotions? what colour would you associate to happy? sad? love? joy? pain? fear? anger? we already have a vernacular around emotions and colour - oh he’s seeing red (anger), I’m feeling blue (sadness) she’s so sunshiny yellow (happy), green with envy (jealousy).
this is all part of the teachings that are coming through with the academy of light program. the complexity and simplicity of how we see, feel and experience not only our emotions but colour. and each have the duality, or pendulum swing. so happy - sad, peace - agitation, distraction - clarity, anger - compassion. if we feel into an emotion, we are never simply feeling a singular emotion, they are layered, they are complex, there are degrees of many emotions. If I am feeling the energy or emotion of anger, I want to still be kind, peaceful. I don’t want my anger to be the ruling emotion, I want to be able to express my anger calmly. looking at this, we can choose what our baseline emotion is. we can choose how we operate through our emotions. so if I am angry, what is a healthy way of releasing this? haha I clean. I clean my bathroom, I clean my house, I go for a walk, I write it all out. My anger is wanting to express through movement, through release and knowing what works for you is key here. My baseline emotions I have are love, peace, calm. So if I am operating from these, how do I express my anger from love, peace, calm? I take a breath, I take a moment to be present with it. I ask my anger why it is presenting now. I ask the energy of anger why it has showed up and how can I process this.
This works the same for sadness, grief, jealousy, rage, any lower vibration or frequency that rises can be worked through and released in the same way.
think of each energy of emotion having the counter balance or opposite energy. This is how we release, this is how we understand how we each can move and shift, and return back to calm, peace, love. I love the work I do, I love understanding emotion. This absolutely fascinates me and the more I explore this, the more that I uncover and discover.
if you would like to join me and learn more, reach out, book a connection call. I work with students across the world on a one - one basis, and very soon I will be launching all of my teachings as courses online, self-paced. plus by joining as a paid subscriber here, you will have access to all my writings and teachings from previous programs. keep a look out as they are all loaded in the coming days and weeks.
I love you and thank you for being a part of our community xx